I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
