I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
