I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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