Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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