bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
