so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will