I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
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there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO