Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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