hotel room ftw
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
