I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
