I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
