Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
