One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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