im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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