I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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