my phone needs a breathalizer
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
