the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
