New invention idea: vibrating tampons
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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