I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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