capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
