Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
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