A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
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It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
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Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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