you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
