I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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