apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
