Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
