Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
