the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
