my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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