At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
