I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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