take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
