He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
