You're my little dorito
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
