well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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