If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
