Will you blow on my dice?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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