so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
where are you?
Hypothermia
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
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And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
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I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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