2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
