After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
