Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
