Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
