I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
