why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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