Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
