Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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