Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
