My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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