Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
