I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
