i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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