I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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