Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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