I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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