He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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