I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
