dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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