I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
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I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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