i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
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Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
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The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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