I faked an abortion last night.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
